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Love in the right language (grand finale!)

I love you in every language I can think of!

The heart of the matter

“So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.” Phil 1:9-11 MSG

The 5 Love Languages

According to Dr Gary Chapman in his book the 5 Love Languages, people all give and receive love in 5 different love languages all with their own dialects. He urges us to determine what our own preferred language of love is as well as that of our spouse. When we then ‘speak’ love in that language to that person they will hear and experience the love message that we intended for them.

The 5 Love Languages are:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Gifts
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch

You can click on any of the links to catch-up on the discussion if you haven’t been following the series.

My take on speaking the language of love

I believe that the principles of the love languages work and I have from personal experience determined that they work WELL. I would encourage everyone to read the book and implement for themselves.

As a wife, I do also believe that:

  1. We shouldn’t be so focused on speaking one or two primary languages that  we neglect the other languages and dialects of love. Although I am predominantly a ‘Words of Affirmation’ and ‘Quality Time’ person, I really do enjoy physical touch, I appreciate acts of service and I am often pleasantly surprised by small gifts / gestures of love. I believe that the same principle holds true for my SAMM. We need to use all the available languages of love to make sure that we communicate our love, intent and respect in our marriages today!
  2. We shouldn’t dumb-down LOVE. Love is an active desire to find the best in your partner, to serve them with respect and kindness, to forgive, to adore, to long for. It is a complex conversation between two people. I am committed to making sure that my SAMM has the reserves he needs to confidently pursue his career, provide for his family, lead his family and honour our Lord. I need a robust language to communicate that with him
  3. Love mustn’t be predictable. Challenge yourself to find different ways to express your love, admiration and respect for your husband.

That loving feeling

Our intention with love (within our marriages) should be to:

  • honour
  • respect
  • affirm
  • encourage
  • support
  • adore
  • serve

our husbands.

When you think of speaking in the language of love to your husband, look at what it is you wish to communicate and decide what is the best way to communicate that to him.

My SAMM resonates with Words of Affirmation. I make sure to encourage and affirm him with specific message of appreciation and love (words of affirmation). I also try to combine that with small gifts at times (giving gifts). Sometimes I hug him when I say ‘thank you’ (physical touch). I offer to make cuppa so that he can unwind and say how I appreciate the long hours and commitment he has in his role as provider and leader in our family (acts of service). I ask about his day and his work and I make time to listen (quality time).

It is vitally important for me that he understands the core message of love, honour, and respect that I am sending to him so I reinforce and emphasise my message.

And finally…

However you choose to love, honour and respect your husband – I pray that you would be blessed and enriched. I trust that God will enable us to love deeply, with wisdom and insight. I pray that we would all love our husbands faithfully, that we would love them well and that we would bring honour and glory to our Lord as we serve and commit to marriages designed and commanded by God!

Thanks for sharing these Cuppas with me as we leaned into love. Leave your musings, I’d be terribly glad for the conversation!

Love in the right language

Keyboard with three I love you keys

“I love you” in the right language to send the right message.

“I love you”

“When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.” Prov 31:26 (NLT)

In his book The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman identifies different ways in which we all communicate the same basic message – “I love you.” Often just saying it isn’t nearly enough because the words we are saying aren’t being translated into a meaningful, understandable message that our partner can take to heart. We are simply not speaking their language. We might also be missing out on positive love message because we are not picking up the dialect that our partner speaks to us.

We are getting our love-speak confused and this can undermine our ability to show support, love, encouragement and respect to our husbands. I don’t deliberately avoid affirming or encouraging my SAMM but sometimes my messages slip through the cracks because I communicate in my natural style rather than making sure to speak his language. We need to make our communication styles a priority in order to offer consistent messages of love and respect to our husbands.

The five languages

The five love languages are:

  1. Words of affirmation
  2. Quality time
  3. Acts of Service
  4. Physical Touch
  5. Receiving Gifts

It is common for some people to experience and interpret love in more than one of these ways but there will most often be one or two that rank higher than the others. Knowing your primary love language(s) simply means you will have a better idea of how love “spoken” to you. If you want to learn more about your love language, you can visit The 5 Love Languages website and complete the online assessments.

Great idea: get your husband to do the same and you’ll have instant insight into his heart!

Speaking the language of love

One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation. This is also one of the languages that I believe most men relate well to. That means that we need to work harder at offering the right types of messages to encourage and affirm our husbands. We need to establish firmly in their minds how important their leadership, protection and authority is in our homes and our hearts.

In stead of simply saying “I love you” today, incorporate specific messages that will show him the “why” behind your love. Here are some suggestions:

  • “You look really good today!”
  • “I know that you are going to be great in your presentation today.!
  • “Thank you for getting home early / on time to have dinner with us. It is so much nicer when you are here with us.”
  • “Thank you for being such a strong leader for our family.”
  • “I appreciate the fact that you…. .”
  • “I can’t wait to spend some time alone with you. I really enjoy your company.”

Don’t be insincere. Use these suggestions to create phrases that are true about your husband. The idea is to get thinking about telling your husband that you love him in more specific terms!

Making your words count

There are so many ways to communicate our love and support to our spouses. Take the time to create an honest message that comes from your heart. Here are a few tips to enhance your communications:

  • Look at your husband’s strengths and remind him of those. Even if you have told him before, remind him again that he is a good leader, that you like his confidence, that you adore his smile etc.
  • When appropriate, compliment your husband in the company of friends and family. Take pride in your husband and share that with others.
  • Don’t feel obliged to say things out loud. Send and e-mail. Tuck a note in his shirt pocket. Leave a card on his pillow. Send him a text to share an important “love fact” with him.
  • Be sure to tell your children how great their father is. Be specific. “Did you see how nicely daddy painted the room?” “Did you know that daddy works hard to provide food and a home for us?” Do this often – in front of your husband and when you are alone with your children.
  • Pray. Be thankful for your husband – his good qualities, his strengths, his leadership. Pray blessing over him as often as you can. Lift him to the Lord. Don’t be too quick to ask God to change him though! Ask the Lord to change YOU, to show you more of the GREAT in your husband, to awaken your love and affection and to give you words to sow love and respect.

Remember; words are important. Pick yours wisely.

” Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].” 1 Cor 13:7 (AMP)

The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is a greater sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.

Say it is so

The more often you affirm, encourage and support your husband the easier it will be for these great qualities and behaviours to become consistent in your home. If you are consistently offering him encouragement, affirmation and specific love messages that show respect, honour and support you will probably find your husband responding with affection, love and respect as well. Fill his love tank with some serious, sincere love today!

Thanks for sharing this “love”-ly Cuppa with me today.

the peaceful wife

Helping wives go from hurting and frustrated to empowered, healed, and confident in Christ

With a Cuppa Coffee

Hearty chats for women about this, that and whatnot.