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Trust

Trust is…

putting your hope and belief and confidence in another person’s ability or a personal quality of theirs. Trust is a reliance on them.

In marriage I find that we limit trust to describe the conditions we impose around our husbands. I trust him in the company of other women or I trust that him with our money. We trust when it comes to the world around us, things that happen and with regards to other people and even then we are sometimes challenged by the concept.

Child trusting and leaping to parent's arms.

Trust – Take the Leap!

Trust is so much more!

Trust is about having complete confidence in our husband’s ability to:

  • Act on behalf of our family
  • To lead our family
  • To make decisions for our family
  • To speak up for our family
  • To stand up for his (and our) beliefs and core values
  • To provide for us

But it must also be much more personal than that. I must trust and rely on my husband with (note: WITH not TO DO SOMETHING, but to GIVE HIM SOMETHING):

  • My heart
  • My future hopes and expectations (for our marriage, our family, our life)
  • My sadness
  • My weakness
  • My falibilty
  • What is best for me

I must depend on him to take care of my heart, to nurture and protect me, to do what is right and good for me.Having the courage to let go and release trust into our marriage will liberate me from the belief the I am the only person who can take care of me.

Trust is difficult when…

When we have witnessed the devastating effects of misplaced trust, it becomes harder and harder to put our own trust in our spouses. We are also bombarded with material and messaging that tells us to be independent, self-sufficient and self-reliant. As women choosing to seek God’s face for our lives and our marriages, I believe we need to turn to God and ask Him to direct us as we put trust back into our marriages and relationships.

I am not proposing that it is an instantaneous release to leave past hurts and regrets behind and step into complete trust. I do, however, believe that it is imperative for us to make the decision to actively work towards regaining and rebuilding the lost trust in our marriages.

I communicate trust when…

If you are serious about communicating trust to your husband:

  • If you have left a decision with your husband, make sure that you LEAVE THE DECISION WITH HIM! Don’t be tempted to second-guess or doubt. You have made your decision to trust, now stick to it.
  • Be supportive of your husband in public forums. When he is communicating with you and others (in group format) or on behalf of your family support his judgement. Don’t contradict his statements or opinions. Don’t cut him off or act disrespectfully. If you have a difference of opinion feel free to discuss this with him when the two of you have time together – open forums are not the platform for this.
  • Allow him to be your protector, friend and confidant. Give him the opportunity to speak out for you, to make decisions for you and to give you direction and show his leadership. Be open to the possibility that he will not fail you and he will probably end up ASTOUNDING you.
  • Tell him you value his opinion.
  • Tell him that you are asking for his advice because you trust and want his guidance and advice.
  • Listen to his thoughts.
  • Defer to his leadership as the final earthly authority in your family and marriage.

And when you don’t

Be willing to apologise when you have neglected to place your trust in your husband. Ask for forgiveness. Every time we fail we have a great opportunity to learn and strengthen our future resolve.

For my part, I am desperately aware of how quickly I retract my trust when the pressure is on. Yet, I know that trust is essential to the well-being and survival of our marriages and it is vitally necessary to the well-being and growth of our husbands. It is certainly worth our effort.

 

 

Love in the right language (part 4)

Giving… love!

Love is…

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” John 13:34 NLT

Love is commanded. It is necessary. It is important. And we should do everything within our means to make sure that we express our love to our husbands as often as we can.

The anatomy of Gifts

Gifts are physical samples of our love. It is a (semi-)permanent declaration of what we feel. It is a trophy, a monument, a testimony of a heart-condition.

Gifts are NOT:

  • about spending lots of money on things.
  • a means to appease a guilty conscience.
  • bribes and should never be used as “I will give you … if you will xxx” deal-makers.
  • quick fixes for forgotten birthdays or special occasions
  • thoughtless ‘things’ that you stock-pile in you cupboard for emergencies!

Gifts are:

  • thoughtful presents that tangibly show your spouse that you love and value them
  • a fun way to challenge you to put your emotions into physical form
  • not limited to a budget or size constraints. The smallest gestures often mean the world when they carry sincere thought and feeling with them.
  • the end product of planning, preparation and effort
  • unique for every person and every occasion!

The science of Gifts

Your husband might not need frequent gifts to feel valued and loved by you but occasional, special gestures / gifts are an essential ingredient to keep the language of love pouring into his heart. Remember that he needs to feel loved, valued and respected BY YOU!
Giving (& receiving) gifts isn’t about the materialistic product of the activity but rather about the fore-thought and effort that went into the gesture.

  • Place a hand written note in his lunch box
  • Buy his favourite chocolate and leave it in his car for him to find on the way to work
  • Keep and share and interesting article that he would like
  • Take a picture that would mean something to him and share it via e-mail
  • Buy him a cup of coffee on the way home from church and enjoy the conversation that goes along with it!

Remember, a gift is not a payment. It is not a transaction that needs to be concluded. Give an receive freely!

Love one another

We are to “love one another” as we are loved by God. Which means wholly, completely, favourably, adoringly and so my list can go on and on!

Dr Chapman’s concept with the love languages is that we will feel loved, favoured and cherished when our spouse “speaks” to us in our primary love language. I agree! But… I believe we should step outside of our box. Don’t avoid the other languages (like gifts!) just because it isn’t your primary language. Use all the love languages and dialects to speak love, adoration and admiration to your husband.

Remember to give him:

  • Your respect
  • Your support
  • Love
  • Kindness (in words and actions)
  • Admiration

He is after all, your one-and-only :)

Thanks for sharing my Cuppa.

the peaceful wife

Helping wives go from hurting and frustrated to empowered, healed, and confident in Christ

With a Cuppa Coffee

Hearty chats for women about this, that and whatnot.