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What marriage is

"I do!" - Wedding rings, newly weds!

“I do!” – Wedding rings, newly weds!

Adjusting my perspective

As I have explained, I entered into marriage because that’s what people do. Isn’t it? My SAMM and I had been dating for a while, he made my stomach flutter and my heart skip a beat and he seemed to ‘get me’. So the next logical step was to tie the knot. 

In 2005 we said “I do”, celebrated with friends and family and went on a romantic honeymoon.

Then we got home. The extraordinary time spent on planning and preparing (oh, if I knew then what I had learnt in recent years) for our wedding was past and the humdrum of our lives set in. We were never excruciatingly unhappy but we were definitely far from content. We were caught in power-struggles, battles for the authority and leadership in our home and I cried my Ingrid Bergman tears many nights. Being married was suddenly a lot harder than I had ever imagined.

Thankfully this piece is NOT about the struggle. I want to share with you today, just what exactly marriage turned out to be!

What marriage turned out to be.

“They’ll all get to know me firsthand, the little and the big, the small and the great. They’ll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean. By coming up with a new plan, a new covenant between God and his people, God put the old plan on the shelf. And there it stays, gathering dust.” Heb 8:11b-13 (MSG)

This piece, in great part is inspired by the teaching of a local pastor, who drew his understanding and interpretation from the Bible. Fancy that. Even better, as it turns out the Bible has lots to offer on the subject. Opening ourselves and being receptive to teaching and instruction has made a huge impact on our relationship. On our marriage.

Marriage (as it turned out) is NOT:

  • simply a logical conclusion to the dating cycle
  • a passport to sexual pleasure
  • (in itself / as an institution) is not a guaranteed,more intimate connection with your partner

Marriage IS:

  • an opportunity to DISPLAY THE GOSPEL

A covenant?

Marriage is a binding promise and agreement between two people.

“Our vows are simply future-dated appointments with ourselves. “If I am alive in 50 years, I will be right here, by your side.” Ps PJ Smyth (Godfirst Church)

Our binding agreement resembles and should reflect the relationship that God desires to have with each of us.

Despite our worst offenses and missteps, He will forgive. He will LOVE US regardless of what we say or how we act. His love is not conditional, it isn’t jealous and there are no boundaries to it.

A friendship?

“Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Gen 2:18 NLT

Our marriage was never designed to be a power struggle. It was supposed to be a unification of two people who complimented and added to each other. Marriage at its heart was designed to bring two people together for greater joy, worship and intimacy with God as it mirrors the relationship that Christ (our Groom) has with His church (we are His Bride).

A gospel display?

“God, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. And what does he want from marriage? Children of God, that’s what. So guard the spirit of marriage within you.” Mal 2:15b

Marriage is an ongoing testimony of just how serious and committed God is about my / your / our relationship with Him. He will love us no matter what. He has already paid the highest price for each of us. The hope, forgiveness, love, kindness, respect, honour and mercy in our marriages should shine brightly enough to show God’s heart to a desperate world.

Way different to what I expected!

Marriage turned out to be way different to the picture I had constructed in my mind. I had hoped for romance, butterflies, surprise gestures of love and someone to share my hopes and dreams with.

We actually had no real idea of what we were getting ourselves into!

Instead I have found that I am blessed with an opportunity to seek and honour God through this earthly union. I have found a friend with whom I can laugh and enjoy. There are still butterflies and sometimes candles, but there often is leadership and character. I can share my hopes and expectations with my SAMM but I can also share my faith, my love for Jesus and my struggles with him. It turns out that we are building a lasting legacy that will testify to our daughter, our friends and our families. Yip, marriage turned out to be SO MUCH MORE than I had ever dreamed of!

My conclusion?

We all probably, have many areas to work on in our marriages but right here and now, I am acutely aware of being supernaturally blessed and favoured because I am part of the wonderful testimony and worship that marriage offers. Yes, lets work and build and nurture and grow BUT lets also be thankful for what we have (no matter how broken or distorted it has become).

We each have a significant part to play and a lasting contribution to make to our marriages. We don’t have to fight for power, authority or other illusions. We can, and should, simply rest in the beautiful design God has for each of our marriages and play the part He has already authored and prepared for us.

What a delicious cuppa. Thanks for staying a while.



Trust is…

putting your hope and belief and confidence in another person’s ability or a personal quality of theirs. Trust is a reliance on them.

In marriage I find that we limit trust to describe the conditions we impose around our husbands. I trust him in the company of other women or I trust that him with our money. We trust when it comes to the world around us, things that happen and with regards to other people and even then we are sometimes challenged by the concept.

Child trusting and leaping to parent's arms.

Trust – Take the Leap!

Trust is so much more!

Trust is about having complete confidence in our husband’s ability to:

  • Act on behalf of our family
  • To lead our family
  • To make decisions for our family
  • To speak up for our family
  • To stand up for his (and our) beliefs and core values
  • To provide for us

But it must also be much more personal than that. I must trust and rely on my husband with (note: WITH not TO DO SOMETHING, but to GIVE HIM SOMETHING):

  • My heart
  • My future hopes and expectations (for our marriage, our family, our life)
  • My sadness
  • My weakness
  • My falibilty
  • What is best for me

I must depend on him to take care of my heart, to nurture and protect me, to do what is right and good for me.Having the courage to let go and release trust into our marriage will liberate me from the belief the I am the only person who can take care of me.

Trust is difficult when…

When we have witnessed the devastating effects of misplaced trust, it becomes harder and harder to put our own trust in our spouses. We are also bombarded with material and messaging that tells us to be independent, self-sufficient and self-reliant. As women choosing to seek God’s face for our lives and our marriages, I believe we need to turn to God and ask Him to direct us as we put trust back into our marriages and relationships.

I am not proposing that it is an instantaneous release to leave past hurts and regrets behind and step into complete trust. I do, however, believe that it is imperative for us to make the decision to actively work towards regaining and rebuilding the lost trust in our marriages.

I communicate trust when…

If you are serious about communicating trust to your husband:

  • If you have left a decision with your husband, make sure that you LEAVE THE DECISION WITH HIM! Don’t be tempted to second-guess or doubt. You have made your decision to trust, now stick to it.
  • Be supportive of your husband in public forums. When he is communicating with you and others (in group format) or on behalf of your family support his judgement. Don’t contradict his statements or opinions. Don’t cut him off or act disrespectfully. If you have a difference of opinion feel free to discuss this with him when the two of you have time together – open forums are not the platform for this.
  • Allow him to be your protector, friend and confidant. Give him the opportunity to speak out for you, to make decisions for you and to give you direction and show his leadership. Be open to the possibility that he will not fail you and he will probably end up ASTOUNDING you.
  • Tell him you value his opinion.
  • Tell him that you are asking for his advice because you trust and want his guidance and advice.
  • Listen to his thoughts.
  • Defer to his leadership as the final earthly authority in your family and marriage.

And when you don’t

Be willing to apologise when you have neglected to place your trust in your husband. Ask for forgiveness. Every time we fail we have a great opportunity to learn and strengthen our future resolve.

For my part, I am desperately aware of how quickly I retract my trust when the pressure is on. Yet, I know that trust is essential to the well-being and survival of our marriages and it is vitally necessary to the well-being and growth of our husbands. It is certainly worth our effort.



Deeper connections - what to say - how to say it - be heard

with author, speaker, & trainer, Nina Roesner

Peaceful Wife

Become Empowered, Healed, and Confident in Christ

With a Cuppa Coffee

Hearty chats for women about this, that and whatnot.