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Love in the right language (part 4)

Giving… love!

Love is…

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” John 13:34 NLT

Love is commanded. It is necessary. It is important. And we should do everything within our means to make sure that we express our love to our husbands as often as we can.

The anatomy of Gifts

Gifts are physical samples of our love. It is a (semi-)permanent declaration of what we feel. It is a trophy, a monument, a testimony of a heart-condition.

Gifts are NOT:

  • about spending lots of money on things.
  • a means to appease a guilty conscience.
  • bribes and should never be used as “I will give you … if you will xxx” deal-makers.
  • quick fixes for forgotten birthdays or special occasions
  • thoughtless ‘things’ that you stock-pile in you cupboard for emergencies!

Gifts are:

  • thoughtful presents that tangibly show your spouse that you love and value them
  • a fun way to challenge you to put your emotions into physical form
  • not limited to a budget or size constraints. The smallest gestures often mean the world when they carry sincere thought and feeling with them.
  • the end product of planning, preparation and effort
  • unique for every person and every occasion!

The science of Gifts

Your husband might not need frequent gifts to feel valued and loved by you but occasional, special gestures / gifts are an essential ingredient to keep the language of love pouring into his heart. Remember that he needs to feel loved, valued and respected BY YOU!
Giving (& receiving) gifts isn’t about the materialistic product of the activity but rather about the fore-thought and effort that went into the gesture.

  • Place a hand written note in his lunch box
  • Buy his favourite chocolate and leave it in his car for him to find on the way to work
  • Keep and share and interesting article that he would like
  • Take a picture that would mean something to him and share it via e-mail
  • Buy him a cup of coffee on the way home from church and enjoy the conversation that goes along with it!

Remember, a gift is not a payment. It is not a transaction that needs to be concluded. Give an receive freely!

Love one another

We are to “love one another” as we are loved by God. Which means wholly, completely, favourably, adoringly and so my list can go on and on!

Dr Chapman’s concept with the love languages is that we will feel loved, favoured and cherished when our spouse “speaks” to us in our primary love language. I agree! But… I believe we should step outside of our box. Don’t avoid the other languages (like gifts!) just because it isn’t your primary language. Use all the love languages and dialects to speak love, adoration and admiration to your husband.

Remember to give him:

  • Your respect
  • Your support
  • Love
  • Kindness (in words and actions)
  • Admiration

He is after all, your one-and-only :)

Thanks for sharing my Cuppa.

Love in the right language

Keyboard with three I love you keys

“I love you” in the right language to send the right message.

“I love you”

“When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.” Prov 31:26 (NLT)

In his book The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman identifies different ways in which we all communicate the same basic message – “I love you.” Often just saying it isn’t nearly enough because the words we are saying aren’t being translated into a meaningful, understandable message that our partner can take to heart. We are simply not speaking their language. We might also be missing out on positive love message because we are not picking up the dialect that our partner speaks to us.

We are getting our love-speak confused and this can undermine our ability to show support, love, encouragement and respect to our husbands. I don’t deliberately avoid affirming or encouraging my SAMM but sometimes my messages slip through the cracks because I communicate in my natural style rather than making sure to speak his language. We need to make our communication styles a priority in order to offer consistent messages of love and respect to our husbands.

The five languages

The five love languages are:

  1. Words of affirmation
  2. Quality time
  3. Acts of Service
  4. Physical Touch
  5. Receiving Gifts

It is common for some people to experience and interpret love in more than one of these ways but there will most often be one or two that rank higher than the others. Knowing your primary love language(s) simply means you will have a better idea of how love “spoken” to you. If you want to learn more about your love language, you can visit The 5 Love Languages website and complete the online assessments.

Great idea: get your husband to do the same and you’ll have instant insight into his heart!

Speaking the language of love

One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation. This is also one of the languages that I believe most men relate well to. That means that we need to work harder at offering the right types of messages to encourage and affirm our husbands. We need to establish firmly in their minds how important their leadership, protection and authority is in our homes and our hearts.

In stead of simply saying “I love you” today, incorporate specific messages that will show him the “why” behind your love. Here are some suggestions:

  • “You look really good today!”
  • “I know that you are going to be great in your presentation today.!
  • “Thank you for getting home early / on time to have dinner with us. It is so much nicer when you are here with us.”
  • “Thank you for being such a strong leader for our family.”
  • “I appreciate the fact that you…. .”
  • “I can’t wait to spend some time alone with you. I really enjoy your company.”

Don’t be insincere. Use these suggestions to create phrases that are true about your husband. The idea is to get thinking about telling your husband that you love him in more specific terms!

Making your words count

There are so many ways to communicate our love and support to our spouses. Take the time to create an honest message that comes from your heart. Here are a few tips to enhance your communications:

  • Look at your husband’s strengths and remind him of those. Even if you have told him before, remind him again that he is a good leader, that you like his confidence, that you adore his smile etc.
  • When appropriate, compliment your husband in the company of friends and family. Take pride in your husband and share that with others.
  • Don’t feel obliged to say things out loud. Send and e-mail. Tuck a note in his shirt pocket. Leave a card on his pillow. Send him a text to share an important “love fact” with him.
  • Be sure to tell your children how great their father is. Be specific. “Did you see how nicely daddy painted the room?” “Did you know that daddy works hard to provide food and a home for us?” Do this often – in front of your husband and when you are alone with your children.
  • Pray. Be thankful for your husband – his good qualities, his strengths, his leadership. Pray blessing over him as often as you can. Lift him to the Lord. Don’t be too quick to ask God to change him though! Ask the Lord to change YOU, to show you more of the GREAT in your husband, to awaken your love and affection and to give you words to sow love and respect.

Remember; words are important. Pick yours wisely.

” Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].” 1 Cor 13:7 (AMP)

The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is a greater sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.

Say it is so

The more often you affirm, encourage and support your husband the easier it will be for these great qualities and behaviours to become consistent in your home. If you are consistently offering him encouragement, affirmation and specific love messages that show respect, honour and support you will probably find your husband responding with affection, love and respect as well. Fill his love tank with some serious, sincere love today!

Thanks for sharing this “love”-ly Cuppa with me today.

Deeper connections - what to say - how to say it - be heard

with author, speaker, & trainer, Nina Roesner

Peaceful Wife

Become Empowered, Healed, and Confident in Christ

With a Cuppa Coffee

Hearty chats for women about this, that and whatnot.