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Love in the right language (grand finale!)

I love you in every language I can think of!

The heart of the matter

“So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.” Phil 1:9-11 MSG

The 5 Love Languages

According to Dr Gary Chapman in his book the 5 Love Languages, people all give and receive love in 5 different love languages all with their own dialects. He urges us to determine what our own preferred language of love is as well as that of our spouse. When we then ‘speak’ love in that language to that person they will hear and experience the love message that we intended for them.

The 5 Love Languages are:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Gifts
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch

You can click on any of the links to catch-up on the discussion if you haven’t been following the series.

My take on speaking the language of love

I believe that the principles of the love languages work and I have from personal experience determined that they work WELL. I would encourage everyone to read the book and implement for themselves.

As a wife, I do also believe that:

  1. We shouldn’t be so focused on speaking one or two primary languages that  we neglect the other languages and dialects of love. Although I am predominantly a ‘Words of Affirmation’ and ‘Quality Time’ person, I really do enjoy physical touch, I appreciate acts of service and I am often pleasantly surprised by small gifts / gestures of love. I believe that the same principle holds true for my SAMM. We need to use all the available languages of love to make sure that we communicate our love, intent and respect in our marriages today!
  2. We shouldn’t dumb-down LOVE. Love is an active desire to find the best in your partner, to serve them with respect and kindness, to forgive, to adore, to long for. It is a complex conversation between two people. I am committed to making sure that my SAMM has the reserves he needs to confidently pursue his career, provide for his family, lead his family and honour our Lord. I need a robust language to communicate that with him
  3. Love mustn’t be predictable. Challenge yourself to find different ways to express your love, admiration and respect for your husband.

That loving feeling

Our intention with love (within our marriages) should be to:

  • honour
  • respect
  • affirm
  • encourage
  • support
  • adore
  • serve

our husbands.

When you think of speaking in the language of love to your husband, look at what it is you wish to communicate and decide what is the best way to communicate that to him.

My SAMM resonates with Words of Affirmation. I make sure to encourage and affirm him with specific message of appreciation and love (words of affirmation). I also try to combine that with small gifts at times (giving gifts). Sometimes I hug him when I say ‘thank you’ (physical touch). I offer to make cuppa so that he can unwind and say how I appreciate the long hours and commitment he has in his role as provider and leader in our family (acts of service). I ask about his day and his work and I make time to listen (quality time).

It is vitally important for me that he understands the core message of love, honour, and respect that I am sending to him so I reinforce and emphasise my message.

And finally…

However you choose to love, honour and respect your husband – I pray that you would be blessed and enriched. I trust that God will enable us to love deeply, with wisdom and insight. I pray that we would all love our husbands faithfully, that we would love them well and that we would bring honour and glory to our Lord as we serve and commit to marriages designed and commanded by God!

Thanks for sharing these Cuppas with me as we leaned into love. Leave your musings, I’d be terribly glad for the conversation!

Love in the right language (part 4)

Giving… love!

Love is…

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” John 13:34 NLT

Love is commanded. It is necessary. It is important. And we should do everything within our means to make sure that we express our love to our husbands as often as we can.

The anatomy of Gifts

Gifts are physical samples of our love. It is a (semi-)permanent declaration of what we feel. It is a trophy, a monument, a testimony of a heart-condition.

Gifts are NOT:

  • about spending lots of money on things.
  • a means to appease a guilty conscience.
  • bribes and should never be used as “I will give you … if you will xxx” deal-makers.
  • quick fixes for forgotten birthdays or special occasions
  • thoughtless ‘things’ that you stock-pile in you cupboard for emergencies!

Gifts are:

  • thoughtful presents that tangibly show your spouse that you love and value them
  • a fun way to challenge you to put your emotions into physical form
  • not limited to a budget or size constraints. The smallest gestures often mean the world when they carry sincere thought and feeling with them.
  • the end product of planning, preparation and effort
  • unique for every person and every occasion!

The science of Gifts

Your husband might not need frequent gifts to feel valued and loved by you but occasional, special gestures / gifts are an essential ingredient to keep the language of love pouring into his heart. Remember that he needs to feel loved, valued and respected BY YOU!
Giving (& receiving) gifts isn’t about the materialistic product of the activity but rather about the fore-thought and effort that went into the gesture.

  • Place a hand written note in his lunch box
  • Buy his favourite chocolate and leave it in his car for him to find on the way to work
  • Keep and share and interesting article that he would like
  • Take a picture that would mean something to him and share it via e-mail
  • Buy him a cup of coffee on the way home from church and enjoy the conversation that goes along with it!

Remember, a gift is not a payment. It is not a transaction that needs to be concluded. Give an receive freely!

Love one another

We are to “love one another” as we are loved by God. Which means wholly, completely, favourably, adoringly and so my list can go on and on!

Dr Chapman’s concept with the love languages is that we will feel loved, favoured and cherished when our spouse “speaks” to us in our primary love language. I agree! But… I believe we should step outside of our box. Don’t avoid the other languages (like gifts!) just because it isn’t your primary language. Use all the love languages and dialects to speak love, adoration and admiration to your husband.

Remember to give him:

  • Your respect
  • Your support
  • Love
  • Kindness (in words and actions)
  • Admiration

He is after all, your one-and-only :)

Thanks for sharing my Cuppa.

Peaceful Wife

Become Empowered, Healed, and Confident in Christ

With a Cuppa Coffee

Hearty chats for women about this, that and whatnot.