RSS Feed

Category Archives: Tips

Posts dealing more specifically with “Tips to…” have more productive conversations, arguments and a healthy relationship in general.

Love in the right language

Keyboard with three I love you keys

“I love you” in the right language to send the right message.

“I love you”

“When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.” Prov 31:26 (NLT)

In his book The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman identifies different ways in which we all communicate the same basic message – “I love you.” Often just saying it isn’t nearly enough because the words we are saying aren’t being translated into a meaningful, understandable message that our partner can take to heart. We are simply not speaking their language. We might also be missing out on positive love message because we are not picking up the dialect that our partner speaks to us.

We are getting our love-speak confused and this can undermine our ability to show support, love, encouragement and respect to our husbands. I don’t deliberately avoid affirming or encouraging my SAMM but sometimes my messages slip through the cracks because I communicate in my natural style rather than making sure to speak his language. We need to make our communication styles a priority in order to offer consistent messages of love and respect to our husbands.

The five languages

The five love languages are:

  1. Words of affirmation
  2. Quality time
  3. Acts of Service
  4. Physical Touch
  5. Receiving Gifts

It is common for some people to experience and interpret love in more than one of these ways but there will most often be one or two that rank higher than the others. Knowing your primary love language(s) simply means you will have a better idea of how love “spoken” to you. If you want to learn more about your love language, you can visit The 5 Love Languages website and complete the online assessments.

Great idea: get your husband to do the same and you’ll have instant insight into his heart!

Speaking the language of love

One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation. This is also one of the languages that I believe most men relate well to. That means that we need to work harder at offering the right types of messages to encourage and affirm our husbands. We need to establish firmly in their minds how important their leadership, protection and authority is in our homes and our hearts.

In stead of simply saying “I love you” today, incorporate specific messages that will show him the “why” behind your love. Here are some suggestions:

  • “You look really good today!”
  • “I know that you are going to be great in your presentation today.!
  • “Thank you for getting home early / on time to have dinner with us. It is so much nicer when you are here with us.”
  • “Thank you for being such a strong leader for our family.”
  • “I appreciate the fact that you…. .”
  • “I can’t wait to spend some time alone with you. I really enjoy your company.”

Don’t be insincere. Use these suggestions to create phrases that are true about your husband. The idea is to get thinking about telling your husband that you love him in more specific terms!

Making your words count

There are so many ways to communicate our love and support to our spouses. Take the time to create an honest message that comes from your heart. Here are a few tips to enhance your communications:

  • Look at your husband’s strengths and remind him of those. Even if you have told him before, remind him again that he is a good leader, that you like his confidence, that you adore his smile etc.
  • When appropriate, compliment your husband in the company of friends and family. Take pride in your husband and share that with others.
  • Don’t feel obliged to say things out loud. Send and e-mail. Tuck a note in his shirt pocket. Leave a card on his pillow. Send him a text to share an important “love fact” with him.
  • Be sure to tell your children how great their father is. Be specific. “Did you see how nicely daddy painted the room?” “Did you know that daddy works hard to provide food and a home for us?” Do this often – in front of your husband and when you are alone with your children.
  • Pray. Be thankful for your husband – his good qualities, his strengths, his leadership. Pray blessing over him as often as you can. Lift him to the Lord. Don’t be too quick to ask God to change him though! Ask the Lord to change YOU, to show you more of the GREAT in your husband, to awaken your love and affection and to give you words to sow love and respect.

Remember; words are important. Pick yours wisely.

” Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].” 1 Cor 13:7 (AMP)

The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is a greater sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.

Say it is so

The more often you affirm, encourage and support your husband the easier it will be for these great qualities and behaviours to become consistent in your home. If you are consistently offering him encouragement, affirmation and specific love messages that show respect, honour and support you will probably find your husband responding with affection, love and respect as well. Fill his love tank with some serious, sincere love today!

Thanks for sharing this “love”-ly Cuppa with me today.

Fighting Fair

Fighting Fair - Couple fighting

When your blood starts boiling and the steam starts escaping, resort to FIGHT.

Getting into the ring

We have all been there I am sure. Fighting. Despite your best intentions or highest commitment to maintain a healthy happy relationship, it inevitably happens that we end up disagreeing with our other half. Why? I suspect because we were created as unique individuals who each bring their own history, experiences and expectations to the marriage relationship.

I used to leave our arguments feeling blue. I hated knowing that we wasted valuable time by disagreeing but I reckon I failed to see the bigger picture. Yes, arguments are a waste of time when:

  • It is all about me and getting my way
  • Proving a point
  • Winning

But there is hope. Fighting and arguments can really be a valuable opportunity for each of us to:

  • Learn more about our partners
  • See our husband’s leadership in action and to show respect for it
  • Resolving our concerns in a way that leaves both of us feeling more connected because of our shared victory.

Fighting fair

“The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.” Martha Washington

My heart is for happy, healthy marriages that honour God while creating an environment for both spouses to become ALL that God has called them to be. Having said that, I honestly don’t see how we can hope to go through life and into marriage without ever experiencing friction or conflict. I do believe that the difference for us (women called to be wives and mothers of character) lies in the how…

A formula that works for us is to FIGHT.

  • Face each other and make eye contact. Address your issues and each other directly with courtesy and respect. I have found that it is much easier to run my mouth or speak without thinking when the ceiling is my only witness or when I find myself speaking to the bedside table. Looking at my SAMM reminds me both of the reward (our relationship) and the person (his feelings, thoughts and perspectives) during the conversation.
  • Ignore distractions. No phones, TV or children. If there are “distractions” around (feeding the children etc) it may not be the best time to have the conversation. Agree to discuss at a later stage and agree on a specific time (“Let’s talk about this after I put the SuperStar in bed”) I realise that not all disagreements are as easily postponed BUT it is a worthy challenge to accept.
  • Guard your tongue. Don’t resort to unkind, unflattering words in the heat of the battle. Once said it is impossible to take back so be very sure about what you want to say. Name-calling isn’t acceptable and neither is labeling or stereotyping. I am a quick thinker with a feisty personality and a heavy tongue so I understand if you think that this is a unachievable benchmark. I have also said things that should have been left unsaid and I have seen the hurt that words create. When you are tempted to name-call ask yourself “why”? I have found that when it is time to accept responsibility, it is easier for me to ‘deflect’ than to accept. Knowing what triggers your responses will help you to avoid the traps in future.
  • Halt the history.Avoid the “you always…” or “You never” statements. Look at what (SPECIFICALLY) you are disagreeing about and focus on discussing that one thing. Don’t allow the rabbit-holes to tempt you. Accept your part in the argument, take responsibility for your actions and own up when necessary. It is never easy but the alternative creates a messy, selfish marriage built on destructive arguments and unkind words.
  • Touch. I know… you think I am mad and delusional. Who wants to touch when you are fighting?? That is exactly the point. Reach out and break through the barriers of resistance and anger. It is far easier to remain in the moment without losing yourself or the objective when you are anchored by your partner.
  • Stay in it to win it! Don’t give up or bail out. stick with it. Neither of you will have real peace until your issue has been resolved.

“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Eph 4:26 NIV

My final say…

“Do everything in love.” 1 Cor 16:14 NIV

Yes. Fight with love. That means we should STOP looking at how WE are wronged or how WE should be accommodated. Love looks at the needs of the other person. Love looks at how to accommodate the other party. Love speaks with respect, it uses kind words even when it offers an honest perspective and love offers forgiveness. Love will help us to see opportunities to recognise our husband’s leadership and wisdom.

Love will help us to remove our selfish needs from the conversation as we build a strong, healthy, beautiful relationship that honours God.

Thanks for sharing my Cuppa.

FIGHTS formula from Laurie Kehler, notes and explanations by yours truly.
Peaceful Wife

Become Empowered, Healed, and Confident in Christ

With a Cuppa Coffee

Hearty chats for women about this, that and whatnot.